Scandal…I'm Hooked!!!

I am a late comer to the series Scandal on ABC.  If I’m honest, I saw a few episodes last season and a few this season, but the last two episodes have me hooked!  It’s just a show, and it is fiction, but it really makes you think about life and how unpredictable it can be.  Have you ever wondered about the road not taken?  Or have you ever gone down a road and find yourself in such unfamiliar territory that you can’t find solid ground?  Why is it that we find ourselves secretly (or not so secretly) cheering for Fitz and Olivia…aren’t they cheating?

Two weeks ago, the story explored how Olivia and Fitz began both their professional and intimate relationship.  The writer and actors did such an amazing job at portraying how neither of them (Fitz or Olivia) were looking for this affair, but that they were powerless to the immediate connection that took place deep within them.  Even down to how their hands touched for the first time…you could feel the energy between them.  As a writer, I yearn to be able to evoke that type of emotion from my characters and my readers.  As a reader, it makes you wonder if a spiritual, mind, body, and soul connection like that is possible with another human being.  A connection that takes you away from everything in your soul that you believe to be “right” and “wrong”.  A connection that even when you try to shut it off haunts you in your thoughts and heart.  Isn’t that connection and wonder what keeps us all hooked week after week?  Olivia Pope is challenged with not only the connection she has with the President of the USA, but with “fixing” political situations to protect the “pretty picture” that is the USA. 

Last week’s episode dove deep into how all this “fixing” has taken a toll on Olivia’s psyche.  It has revealed some of the “wrong” things she has done for the better good, and how the rationale for doing those things are not sitting right with her.   On the other hand, Fitz is feeling like he’s been given another chance at life, and he wants to live it without the films of “supposed to’s” and “obligation”.  He’s being a bit reckless, because as the President of the United States, there are certain liberties you give up for the better good of the “picture”.  Fitz’s near death experience has brought him to a turning point; for him the better good is a life fulfilled, rather than a life that doesn’t live up to what the picture portrays to the general public…Hmmm, how will he deal with this burning desire to be true to himself…to his heart…to Olivia???    

So what will this week bring?  Will Olivia accept the marriage proposal and settle on a normal traditional life with Edison, or will she gamble on a life with her soul mate; the married president of the United States?  Will Olivia’s skeletons of her past continue to haunt her?  Will the truths that are revealed destroy everyone’s lives?  And…who shot the president in the first place? 

Of course this story is sensationalized, but it does replicate life in the fact that life as you know it can change in an instant.  Obligations and commitments are sometimes more powerful than the pull of uncontrollable connections.  Death can be seconds away; either your own life or a loved one can be taken, and then everything changes.  Your personal happiness is sometimes secondary to the greater good of your family (or in Scandal-the USA).  Your moral gauge can be challenged by incidents beyond your control, and outside of the “life manual”, and you have to decide how to live in peace…

Scandal is well written and has incredible actors portraying these very complex characters and situations…stay tuned…I sure will…

I would love to hear your thoughts and insights!  Leave a comment, shoot me an email, or hit me up on FB...

Life Without Judgment

I recently put the following quote on FB, and it wasn’t meant for any one person, it was actually meant as a reminder to myself that everyone has a story and that story contributes to the way they react to given situations, respond to family and friends, and who am I to judge given I have my own story of why I am the way I am. 

"No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it.  It's very easy to judge someone else's actions by what you assume your own would be, if you were in their shoes.  But we only know what we THINK we would do, not what we would do"

-Ashley Lorenzana

Every situation has several versions of the same story.  Every version of every story has real feelings of pain, love, joy, resentment, anger, etc…And each feeling that every story has is valid and real to the person going through the emotions that life evokes.

One of my aunts told me at a very young age, “never say never”.  This is something that has stuck with me my entire life.  As soon as I’ve said the words, “I would never”, I promise you God put me in a situation in which I had to eat those words.  Not only with myself, but with my kids, and husband as well.  I try now to look at life, situations, people, friends, and foes without judgment, because Lord knows I have had my own walk to walk and have been judged (and have judged myself) along the way…and quite frankly it sucks!

Many years ago, I had a situation with a family member that was very dear to my heart.   At the time, we both felt we were justified in how we felt and our self-righteousness kept us apart for several years.  It wasn’t until the untimely death of a relative, that we both realized that nothing is worth losing each other to bruised egos.  We both apologized, but it took me years to realize fully my own shortcomings in the situation.  It was so important to me to express those realizations in order to fully embrace the amazing relationship and connection that we restored.  The experience was painful, but so necessary for our growth and our unbreakable bond.  I tell this story because this was a turning point in my life and a maturity of love that has helped shape me.  Every argument or disagreement has two versions with very valid and real feelings attached to them.  There doesn’t have to be a right or wrong in any situation dealing with the inner thoughts and feelings of people.  All feelings are valid and real, but the ability to step away from yourself for just a moment, to feel compassion, empathy, or even just understand where the hurt may be stemming from is a real gift from God. 

This year my mantra is, “Life without judgment”…  This is not only meant for me in how I view others, but how I view myself, which continues to be harder for me.  Sometimes I judge myself 10x harder than anyone else could even come close to judging me.  I am trying to accept the complexities of life, and acknowledge that life really is not black and white…so many shades of gray exist between the layers of “supposed to’s” and “pretty pictures”… and all we can do is take one day, one situation, and sometimes one moment at a time…and in the process do our best to be true and honest to who we are. 

Twelve in 2012...

There are about four hours left in 2012…When I look back at the last year, I’ve learned more about myself, my heart, and my passion for life than I thought possible.  I truly believe that God places people, circumstances, and situations in our life to help us better learn what we are capable of feeling and doing in life. 

I was blessed to be promoted at work and traveled to 12 different locations this past year.  Each of these trips allowed me to either visit a part of our country I’ve never seen, or revisit familiar places through different lenses.  It has been an adventure that I would like to share with you.

1.  The first trip of the year was to Seattle, Washington.  A place I’d never been, but always wanted to go.  I got to do some sight-seeing and re-connect with an old friend.  Professionally this trip proved to be the foundation and the motivation for Engagement, which I lead.  It was the first large airport launch, so everything we did was an opportunity to learn and grow.  Personally, I learned that I had to believe in myself and my talents, and take a leap into the unknown.  In Seattle, I learned to let go of everything that was comfortable and familiar, and begin a new journey into a whole new world.

2 and 3.  The next trip was to Tulsa, Oklahoma and NW Arkansas.  This was my first trip with my new title.  It was an airport refresh, and I learned how to turn a potentially negative airport meeting into a positive, more engaged airport opportunity.  I stayed at a hotel in a charming gentrified area of Tulsa, and even took a run in the heart of the city.  That was truly a highlight for me.  From Tulsa, we drove to NW Arkansas, a place I’ve also never been.  All I can say about NW Arkansas is that there were lots of dirt roads, cows and pastures.  Back in Tulsa, there were really cool restaurants that had great bands, and is a place I really wouldn’t mind returning…I learned to follow my instincts in Tulsa. 

4.  Washington, DC was up next.  Though I’ve been there a thousand times, visiting it with professional lenses helped me to see it in a whole new light.  We learned that location and training is key to optimizing our time at all airport refreshes moving forward.  I hired my first interns and they were awesome.  My aunt hosted a NBA Championship Game party for my co-workers, and I got to share my work family with my peeps, and the HEAT won, which capped the night off perfectly.  I got to reconnect with my BFF and we had an old fashion sleepover and shared some new connections that only a BFF could understand…I learned how to combine the old and the new in DC.

5.  Next trip was home to Newark, NJ.  This was just fun.  To go back home and see something that you helped build throughout the airport was just awesome.  During this trip we decided to take the company Mobile, and this changed how we do all airport launches!  This trip just took me down memory lane.  I thought about where I grew up in Doddtown and Cleveland Street, going to HS in Newark, and how going to NYC was as easy as 123.  I explored my past in Newark, and I discovered how ones past does not determine ones future, but contributes to who we are…what a blessing!

6.  After running (and passing out) the Atlanta Peachtree Road Race (10K), I was off to Gulfport, Mississippi the next morning.  This trip was emotionally and physically draining, because my body was still recovering, and my heart was completely transparent.  Professionally, there was one meeting after the other, but the experience was invaluable, because this particular airport utilizes all of the TA products, which generates multiple revenue opportunities.  This is the goal for all airports, so I had to be on my A game.  Gulfport taught me to listen to my heart and instincts no matter what.

7.  Portland, Maine was up next.  This was a great trip and professionally taught me that developing relationships with airport management is most important to building multiple revenue opportunities.  I learned to network in and out of the airport, and got to see a really beautiful part of the country right on the ocean, which is my favorite place to be.  I took a ferry ride and had the most delectable Lobster you could eat…oh yeah, I may have had one cocktail too many, but my co-workers had my back.  In Portland I learned that working hard and playing hard is all part of the job…LOL.

8.  Next I got to visit the west coast again, and landed in Portland, Oregon.  This was a great professional experience, because I got to see how the program can thrive when the airport incorporates our company into the airport culture.  This trip helped me discover the connection between customer service and engagement, and this is now part of my strategic plan.  In Oregon, I learned to rise above the limitations and judgments of others, and simply do me. 

9.  The most exciting trip of the year had to be Anchorage, Alaska.  Professionally, I helped train staff, met with managers, and attended a management presentation with the CEO of the Airport.  Though the weather was cold and rainy, we did manage to eat Alaska king crab, and visit Mirror Lake on the way to Wasilla (Palins Home).  Just being able to say I went to Alaska is huge, but the Alaska trip helped me make huge connections that will last a lifetime. 

10.  Next up was Greenville, SC.  I drove to this location and expected this to be my least favorite adventure.  Greenville turned out to be one of our best launches to date.  We learned how to completely collateralize an airport, and added the text option to our mobilization strategy.  In Greenville, I learned that even the small, mundane places, can be exciting and beautiful if you open your eyes to the possibilities. 

11-12.  The last three launches of the year took place in Atlanta, Little Rock, and Raleigh/Durham.  Professionally I learned that organization, planning, training, and press are all of the elements needed to rock a launch! And we do it so well now.  Personally…In Atlanta I learned that there is no place like home to realize your dreams.  In Little Rock, I learned that home is where your heart is, and in Raleigh/Durham, I learned that complications are a part of life, and life is what you make it.

Happy New Year and I can’t wait to learn from and see the places I go in 2013!

What If???

Have you ever gone to the movies and left feeling heavy and burdened?  Isn’t that the purpose of movies to some extent?  Isn’t it to either touch our funny bones, scare us half to death, or give us scenarios that make us question who we are, where we are going, and how we got here.  I just saw the movie Flight, with Denzel Washington and it evoked feelings inside of me that I thought I had long conquered and recovered from, but are you ever completely healed from the events of life that molded and sculpted your life?  I believe you heal, but the memories, and feelings of your past can sneak up and bite you at any given moment.  I left this movie sobbing…I texted my brother half way through and told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it through to the end.  I did make it, but it really made me sad initially…texting my brother and discovering he had a similar reaction actually helped me get to a place where I wanted to write…

Ironically, a couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine about my father.  Those of you who follow my blog, read the piece “Daddy’s Girl”, and know that he’s had his struggles with alcohol and drug abuse.  Actually, I don’t remember a time ever, where he was substance free.  Anyway, I was sharing with my friend about how talented my dad was.  He was a musician and an artist.  He created such beautiful things, but never was able to conquer the power that drugs/alcohol had over his life.  When I was sharing this story, it wasn’t sadness that I was sharing; it was a little regret and remorse, but mostly admiration and wonder, because had he been able to really share his gifts with us (his children) and the world, I wonder what he and all of us would have been?  Don’t get me wrong, all four of his children turned out pretty damn good, but we all have unexplainable creative talents.  My little sister creates these amazing cakes and never took a lesson.  My oldest sister could easily have a second career as an interior decorator.  My brother is a film maker, musician, and writer…and well you all know my passion is in my words.  Though my father was unable to give us much in the form of traditional father guidance or lessons, we all, without even realizing it, have so much of his talents residing within us.  My son has recently begun a really bad habit of banging on everything.  The counters!  The Walls!  The banister! It drives me crazy; but I know where it is coming from.  He can’t help it…My father played the congas, and I know my son is getting this crazy impulse from his pop pop. 

The movie ended with the following phrase, “The most fascinating person I never knew…” 

Can’t help but wonder, had I known my father substance free, what if???

Journey to Living an Authentic Life…

In my 20’s I was searching for understanding and unconditional love.  In my 30’s I found love and was searching for balance.  In my 40’s I’ve found the girl that had gotten lost in my 20’s and 30’s.

This past year has truly been a year of excitement and discovery for me.  Over the last 7-10 years a constant theme of conversation with those that are closest to me has been about me searching for something…a new job, a new project, or a new passion.  ALWAYS searching!  For the first time in my life I don’t feel like I am searching for anything.  What I believe has happened is that I’ve stopped searching for outside entities to fill empty spaces on the inside.  I am simply living and embracing every day, every experience, every connection, and every relationship with new energy and new lenses.

This year there were some major occurrences that forced me to look at my life, my relationships, and myself without rose colored glasses.  This sent me on a roller-coaster of a journey with extreme highs and very scary lows.  The lows forced me to go to a place of discovery into who I am, what I want, and learning to live for myself for the first time ever. That sounds very selfish I know!  However, when I started to really evaluate myself, I realized I’ve been living much of my life on eggshells fearful of disappointing anyone in anyway, or disrupting the beautiful pictures of my life.  Because if so, then what?  The “then what” is I would be left with myself and what I realized recently is that “myself had gotten lost”.  I lived much of my life with the voices of other’s expectations that I placed on myself…Crazy right?  My fear of emotional abandonment, led me to a place where I tried to be “perfect” and be what people needed and wanted me to be, even if that meant sacrificing my own needs or desires…what’s worse is that I didn’t even recognize or acknowledge that I had my own needs or desires, because they were secondary to assuring my “role” or “importance” to everyone else.  This is not “everyone else’s fault”; it was my own insecurity in those relationships and sadly in myself.

So now I am getting to know myself in many ways for the first time.  It’s kind of exciting I must admit.  I am not as critical and I am actually allowing myself to live and even make mistakes without condemning myself to hell.  I am surprisingly much more fun than I ever imagined.  I feel free!  I am trying new things, traveling the country, discovering likes and dislikes, and learning to quiet the voices in my head that have paralyzed me in the past.  I recently reached out to someone in my life whose opinion of me has always been of great importance.  I shared my heart and where I am and made myself completely transparent and raw, not knowing how it would be received. I knew what my heart wanted, but wasn’t sure what the response would be.  Here is a piece of the response that still brings tears to my eyes, “Know that I am very proud of you, I am excited at where you are going and growing in life, do your thing honey, the world has been waiting for you, you’re long overdue!”.

That response summed it up for me…The love of my family and friends will always be there whether I am “perfect” or not, whether I “always do or say the right thing or not”, and more than anything, when it’s all said and done, it is not the opinion of others that I live for anymore, it is the acceptance, opinion and love that I have found within that will sustain me.  It makes me a better mother, wife, friend, sister, niece, aunt, and a better person!  The journey continues…

Living Each Day as a Gift...

My last blog stirred up a number of different interpretations of my words from a various array of readers. I received a number of emails and FB messages that made me realize that "living outside of the bubble" can mean many different things to different people.  This is what most inspires me about writing. Each person that reads your words interprets the meaning based on their own experiences and inner thoughts about themselves, or what they are going through in the moment that your words touched something within their soul. Their interpretation can change as their life changes. In the end, it may or may not be what the writer intended the message to be or the feelings that inspired the words in the first place, but the impact of a writer’s words can make such an impression on a person’s life, their views, and can inspire self reflection (good and bad).

Living outside of the “bubble” can have so many meanings, but for me, it is a rediscovery of who I am outside and inside of my nuclear unit:  my talents, my passions, my thoughts, my relationships, and how I want the second half of my life to look. What I’ve discovered since the start of January 2012 is that mundane and ordinary is ok sometimes, but it takes effort and a choice to make our lives exciting and interesting, and I want that!  I’ve discovered that each day is a gift and the period of life ahead of me is getting shorter and shorter. This has made me look at my husband, my kids, my family, and friendships in a way that makes me want to make every encounter a sweet memory. My children will grow up and live their lives hopefully as independent whole people, and prayerfully when that time comes, I will also be a whole person who remains full of life, love, and the desire to seize every opportunity for growth, fullfillment, and happiness. We get so bogged down with “life” that we forget to embrace the little things like hugging your teenager in the midst of discipline and guidance; like taking your son out of school early for some one-on-one time for no reason at all; like letting your baby girl sleep in your bed just a little longer because once she’s gone…she’s gone; like giving your husband a sexy glance or text that shows him that you are still madly in love with him just because; like giving yourself the permission to grow and challenge yourself in your career even though the pains of transition and change will be sure to come; like realizing an unlikely encounter with another human being can change your life…Living outside my bubble has helped me embrace the little and big things in life more fully.  I am attempting to seize every experience, every encounter, every relationship, and every day with a little more luster and urgency. Are some days just ordinary or just plain hard…Of course, but as a close friend once told me (I added a little twist of my own), "the goal is to look back at your life and know that you were able to capture many moments of perfection in the midst of all that life threw your way"

Life is a precious gift, and each day is our opportunity to experience it fully!  How will you do this?  I would love to hear your thoughts and plans...

Living Outside the Bubble in 2012

This year has been one of discovery; discovery on so many different levels, but mostly within myself.  Every year I thank God for the abundant blessings in my life.  I have an awesome husband who loves every ounce of me (the good, bad, annoying, etc.).  I have three phenomenal kids that far exceed any dreams I had of what and who they would be.  I have a beautiful house that we have truly made a home.  I have a job that has turned into a career that I love getting up to go to every day.  However, for those that are closest to me, a reoccurring theme always enter our conversations…I’ve been searching and yearning for something that continues to leave me feeling like something is missing.  What I discovered in 2011 is the something that was missing is me…

Some of you by now might be saying, “boy she is selfish…It appears that she has it all and she is still not satisfied”, and on some levels that is correct.  But others that are reading this understand exactly where I am coming from.  For a good portion of my life I’ve concentrated on being the best wife, best mother, best daughter, best sister, best niece, best aunt, best friend, etc. that I can be.  I’ve followed all the “rules”.  Though all of these roles and relationships give me great joy, somewhere along the way I lost myself and forgot that I also need to take care of me.   I’ve placed these high expectations for myself and others and created a bubble in which I lived my safe pretty life.  This year however, I discovered that people are human and having unrealistic standards ultimately leave you feeling let down and empty.  They let you down when others don’t live by the same standards as you, and they leave you feeling like a failure if you don’t meet those standards for yourself.  I am not saying that you should live your life without standards.  However, my light bulb moment this year happened when I realized that the bubble I created, though real on so many levels, was an image that I created so that I would not have to deal with the dangers that might be lurking outside of the bubble.  That is a safe place, but is it fulfilling?  Though discovering the answer to that question was a painful journey, I realized the answer is no.  That was mind boggling for me, because in my bubble I didn’t allow myself to even consider the question.  For most of my life I’ve been committed to trying to meet every expectation I could think of for everyone else and myself.  It is in my soul to be there for others, and take care of others, but what I decided this year is that I am allowing myself a percentage of life (my life) to discover me again.   I think that being in my 40’s has also helped me to realize that life is short, and living in a bubble, though safe, is not really living.  What I am finding is that everyone in my bubble is enjoying life and "me" more now that it has popped.

So what does this mean???  I really don’t know the answer to that question.  The answers evolves each day.  I know that I’ve allowed myself to feel prettier, sexier, more confident and powerful.  I’ve even bought some things just for me (without picking up anything for anyone else).  When I workout I feel strong and I’ve even noticed that others are feeling the energy that is coming from within me.  My writing is evolving and opportunities are opening up.  My job has given me the opportunity to travel more, and I am allowing myself to see more of the world through different lenses.  Stay tuned for more...

I’ve lived most of my life in black and white, but I’ve learned in 2011 that there are many shades of gray that sometimes are just unexplainable.  They say that 2012 may be the end of the world.  Whether this is true or not, shouldn’t we live each day as if it is the last?  In 2012, find what is missing, find your joy, and live outside the bubble…just a little ;-)!