Honesty...

The word itself can cause so much angst.  Those of you, who follow my blog, know that I’ve been on a journey to be and live an authentic life.  My journey started when I was about 39 and has taken me through some incredibly challenging and scary places…and continues to cause me great bouts with anxiety and insomnia.  At times, I’ve questioned myself and asked, “Is it worth it?”  I pray each night that being honest with myself about the most sacred, scary, and fundamental aspects of who I am will lead me closer to the peace and freedom my soul yearns for.

There are so many things in my life that are uncertain right now.  There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed and a hug away from falling into tears.  There are nights that I might get one to two hours of sleep because my mind just won’t seem to rest.  There are even times when I question whether my honesty has caused more harm than good.  There are times when I wish I could retreat to “the bubble” so I can hide from the discomfort, but something fundamentally changed inside of me.  I am now unable to do that.  It makes me physically ill when I’ve even given the thought too much time in my consciousness. But what is really cool about self-discovery is that there are those other amazing days when I feel clear and strong.  Clear because, though scared at times, I no longer live in fear.  Good or bad; big or small; I am facing all aspects of my life with honesty and a true desire for inner peace.  There was a period of time when I used to feel that the rug could be pulled from under me at any moment.  I never knew why I lived in such fear.  Though I never knew why I felt my ground was always shaky, a few earthquakes in my life helped move me to face a lot of my fears, insecurities, and relationships head on.  My last entry, Getting off the Porch, is a huge testimony of some of the circumstances that kept me paralyzed from movement or change. 

Recently the shower head in my bathroom started to leak.  It was not the original shower head that came with the house.  This one was fancy and could be removed and had a massage feature.  It never worked great, and it now was squirting water everywhere periodically.  We would turn and move it in just the right direction so that it would not spray all over the bathroom.  The water pressure was always weak with this shower head, but we just got used to it and accepted that it was what it was.  Until finally, there was no adjusting that would work.  My husband was going away on a trip and something had to be done quickly or I would not be able to use the shower at all.  So he found the original shower head and replaced the faulty one.  When I took a shower that night, it was the best shower I had taken in the 8 years that I lived in this house.

As I took that shower, I started to reflect on the fact that sometimes we get used to broken things, being broken, being in broken situations, or accepting broken relationships, because it’s just easier than trying to fix them.   Simply, we get used to being broken, and convince ourselves its ok…like taking mediocre showers for 8 years.  I believe that was me.  After those earthquakes hit, I had no choice but to begin facing what was broken inside of me, and what I found was that sometimes you have to go back to the original (showerhead) core of who you were and re-emerge as something new and improved.  I still battle with anxiety and insomnia, because of the uncertainty that remains in my life, but what gives me strength, and what gives me clarity, is that I am living.   I am facing and experiencing life head on, and my showers are a hell of lot better.  I don’t live in fear, because I know my ground is solid, my village is strong, and my mind is clear.  No matter what tomorrow brings, I will be ok, because I’ve been as honest in my journey of authenticity as I could possibly be…and I am still here, standing strong, and seeking PEACE!  I’ve come too far to turn back now.