What If???

Have you ever gone to the movies and left feeling heavy and burdened?  Isn’t that the purpose of movies to some extent?  Isn’t it to either touch our funny bones, scare us half to death, or give us scenarios that make us question who we are, where we are going, and how we got here.  I just saw the movie Flight, with Denzel Washington and it evoked feelings inside of me that I thought I had long conquered and recovered from, but are you ever completely healed from the events of life that molded and sculpted your life?  I believe you heal, but the memories, and feelings of your past can sneak up and bite you at any given moment.  I left this movie sobbing…I texted my brother half way through and told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it through to the end.  I did make it, but it really made me sad initially…texting my brother and discovering he had a similar reaction actually helped me get to a place where I wanted to write…

Ironically, a couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine about my father.  Those of you who follow my blog, read the piece “Daddy’s Girl”, and know that he’s had his struggles with alcohol and drug abuse.  Actually, I don’t remember a time ever, where he was substance free.  Anyway, I was sharing with my friend about how talented my dad was.  He was a musician and an artist.  He created such beautiful things, but never was able to conquer the power that drugs/alcohol had over his life.  When I was sharing this story, it wasn’t sadness that I was sharing; it was a little regret and remorse, but mostly admiration and wonder, because had he been able to really share his gifts with us (his children) and the world, I wonder what he and all of us would have been?  Don’t get me wrong, all four of his children turned out pretty damn good, but we all have unexplainable creative talents.  My little sister creates these amazing cakes and never took a lesson.  My oldest sister could easily have a second career as an interior decorator.  My brother is a film maker, musician, and writer…and well you all know my passion is in my words.  Though my father was unable to give us much in the form of traditional father guidance or lessons, we all, without even realizing it, have so much of his talents residing within us.  My son has recently begun a really bad habit of banging on everything.  The counters!  The Walls!  The banister! It drives me crazy; but I know where it is coming from.  He can’t help it…My father played the congas, and I know my son is getting this crazy impulse from his pop pop. 

The movie ended with the following phrase, “The most fascinating person I never knew…” 

Can’t help but wonder, had I known my father substance free, what if???